Contemplating This, My Last Pregnancy

I am 29 weeks pregnant with our third child.  She's the final baby.  Of that, I am sure.  It's long been my intuition that I'd have three children, and I am blessed that the Universe has seen to gift us with three.  I suppose there could be an "accident," but it's pretty unlikely.  I'm 38 now, it took us a year and a half to get pregnant this time, I practice extended nursing and didn't get my period back after baby two for 2.5 years post partum, and women in my family go into menopause in their early 40s.  So long story short, this is it.

The past eight years of my life has revolved, in great part, around getting pregnant, being pregnant, giving birth, and anticipating getting pregnant again.  So it seems very, very momentous to be done with having children.

When my beloved step-father died when I was in my early 20s, I learned just how important it is to appreciate our loved ones - and the precious experiences they give us - while they are in our lives.  As a result, I likely spend more time than most reflecting on and being grateful for the people in my life.  Every day I stop and look at my children, my husband, freezing them like photographs in my mind, wanting to relish them in this moment.  For I know that life with them is too short. 

It is with that perspective that I am contemplating, appreciating, this last pregnancy.   I lay in bed at night, rubbing my baby belly, saying to myself  "This is the last 11 weeks of my entire lifetime that I am going to have a baby inside me."  11 weeks more being pregnant.  Ever.  I am trying to drill it into my brain.  I am trying GET the hugeness of this being the end - so that I don't miss it when it's gone.

So when I look at my baby belly in the mirror, I laugh and smile with joy.
When little Juliette kicks and moves and rumbles around inside me, I try to remember in vivid detail how amazing it feels.
I rub my belly as if I'm already holding her in my arms... loving her within me.

Conscious appreciation of life - it's the next best thing to time standing still.


The photo at the top, taken by my brother Paul Emerson, is of me pregnant with my first child, Brianna, at about 30 weeks pregnant.

Homeschooling Mind Trip

One of the hardest things for me about homeschooling are the mind trips.  As much as I love homeschooling, as dedicated as I am to it, there have been many times since I started 2 years ago that I am awash with doubt.  Doubt about myself and my ability to do it correctly, worry that I'm doing enough for my daughter, worry that I am somehow short-changing her.

My daughter Brianna is 6.5.  Last month, we began second grade; we are working through the summer so that I can take time off in the fall to have my third baby.   Brianna, relatively eager to "do school" in the past, has, all of a sudden, begun to drag her feet about school.  Meanwhile, her younger sister Elea, is the academic eager-beaver and wants to do school every day, as often as she can get me to work with her.

Today Brianna told me she hated school.  Ugh, this made me sad - the very reason I am homeschooling her is because I want her to love learning!! I pressed her for the "why" - and it seems to revolve around her sister.  I gather she feels like her sister is in the way, distracting her; she also notices that her sister is more zealous about school and has a longer attention span at it.  


And so, being a perfectionist, I start an inner dialogue.  Maybe she should be in school...but wouldn't school be worse for someone who professes to hate school?  If I were a better, more animated, more creative teacher, she wouldn't be so frustrated.  I don't have the energy to be that kind of teacher though.  I need to get her into more activities.. she's high energy, so she's bored.  But we only have one car right now so that's hard.  Should I be "unschooling" her? But unschooling doesn't feel right to me.  How do I juggle teaching these two, clearly very different children? What if I'm short changing her and she will look back at her school years and blame me for them not being "normal?"  On and on and on.  Yup, quite the mind trip I'm on.

I went through one of these mind trips last year as well.  My homeschool advisor Allison talked me down from that one.  She's been talking me down from this one as well :)  Thank God for her. 

Ultimately, though, when it comes to homeschooling mind trips - I have learned that I just need to walk (and work) through the doubt.  Do the best I can with the energy and resources that I have.  Ask for help from those who have been there done that (a homeschooling support network is a must).  Trust my intuition that homeschooling is the right choice, at least right now.  And pray that because I am giving my heart and soul to my children, giving them the love, attention and education that they need - that they will, in fact, be grateful for the gift of homeschooling.

Do You Use Plastic as a Parenting Proxy?

It seems to me that as soon as babies pop out of the womb, they are parented more by plastic than by people.

Instead of being held closely, skin to skin, babies are transported and often left to sleep in plastic bucket car seats and strollers.  Instead of feeding and soothing babies with the breast, their mouths are plugged with plastic and silicone pacifiers and nipples.  Instead of sleeping body to body against the warmth of their mothers and fathers, babies are left to sleep alone on plastic covered mattresses in wood and plastic cribs.  Instead of being lulled to sleep in the arms of a parent, or in the swaying closeness of a sling, they are placed in battery operated plastic swings.

This parenting by plastic proxy is considered absolutely normal, totally unquestioned, and in many instances, even preferable (think of the medical and governmental takes on co-sleeping and baby slings).  It's crazy to me.

How did we get to this point, where actual flesh-and-blood human touch and caring of our children is too much of a burden? Why is it so hard for parents to hold, love, carry, touch, be with their babies?  Why do they always need a plastic something-or-other between themselves and their child?

I have some theories.

1.   Do as the Jones Do.   It's part of the human condition to do as others do.  Everyone parents by plastic proxy, and thus new parents do it too.  Plastic parenting is so prevalent that parents (like me, with my first baby) will ignore their instincts - their desire to love and hold their children - in order to heed the status quo.

2.  It Requires an Open Heart.  Flesh and blood parenting (that is, parenting without plastic) is hard work.  It requires a lot out of you emotionally and physically to give to your baby that which your baby truly requires.  It's easier to stick a bottle in a baby's mouth versus learning to breastfeed.  It's easier to plop a baby in a swing versus stopping what you're doing to hold and rock your child.  It's easier for most people to detach from their children, using plastic, than meeting the child's many and constant needs.  Parenting - in its ideal state - is work intensive, all hours, constant need-meeting.  Most people simply don't have the heart to do it.

If you're currently using a lot of plastic in your parenting, it's simple to stop.  Pick something, and stop using it.  Leave your stroller at home and buy and use a sling instead.  Ignore the Joneses, and bring your baby or child to sleep in your bed with you.  When your baby cries, don't pop a pacifier in its mouth.  Hold the baby, rock the baby, sing to the baby, feed the baby.  Respond to its needs. 

We parents can change the status quo.  We can open hearts.  Each one of us that provides our children physical and emotional responsiveness teaches them the importance of flesh and blood, truly human caring.  They will know how to love and give fully, and will pass these gifts on to their own children.  And slowly, plastic parenting will give way to humanity again.

The Family Bed: Not Just for Babies

In attachment parenting research and discussions, there is a lot of emphasis placed on co-sleeping with infants.  The benefits are numerous - promotion of infant/parent bonding, making breastfeeding easier, helping parents get more sleep, even reducing the likelihood of SIDS. 

There is little to nothing written, however, about co-sleeping with the older child.  The dearth of discussion may lead newer parents to believe that co-sleeping must end once an infant becomes a toddler and/or ends the breastfeeding relationship.

I am here to say that this is not true.  Co-sleeping continues to benefit both children, and parents, even as the child grows.  Toddlers, who spend their days exploring and pushing limits, feel comforted at night, laying with their parents, knowing they are loved - tantrums or not.  Pre-schoolers - who often fear bumps and monsters and all sorts of creepy things in the dark - feel safe and secure with parents by their side.  And the pressures of the school day melt away when school aged children are allowed to share the family bed with their parents.

My girls are 6.5 and 4 years old, and remain, quite happily, in our family bed.  I truly feel like our nighttime closeness is their "safe place to land."  No matter the chaos or emotionality of the day, they know they can go to sleep with their parents by their side, safe and secure and loved.

I too feel the peace of having them there at night.  I look at them before I go to sleep... and every night, the last thing I feel is the depth of gratitude and love that I have for them.  On days when I have been driven crazy by their tantrums or insane amount of energy that I can't keep up with, I just have to admire their angelic sleeping forms and all that stress just melts away.  And as far as motherly worldly worries are concerned, I never have to worry that they're too far away in case of a fire, or intruders, or earthquake or what have you.

My brother, who is not yet a parent although supportive of attachment parenting, has been asking lately how long the girls will be sleeping in our bed.  It's a fair and important question... I am sure that many parents don't co-sleep at all for fear that the children will "never" leave the bed.

Here's the answer.  They'll leave the family bed when their night time attachment needs are met.. when nights are not so scary... when they don't need mom and dad so close at hand.  How long will this be in actual months or years? It depends on the child.  In my early days of attachment parenting, I asked a mom who had been AP'd herself how long she co-slept.  She told me she wanted to start sleeping with her older sister, so she had left the family bed at 2.5.

Be assured, dear reader, that it won't be forever.  Your child learned learned to talk because he was ready to communicate, he learned to walk because he was ready to go faster, he transitioned to solid foods when he was ready for more than milk.  Children will leave the family bed because independence from parents is inherent in human nature.

My girls are perfectly happy in the family bed - and I am glad for that.  I know these precious days of their youth - when they want to be around us and share all our daily lives - are sadly sadly too short.  The beauty of the family bed is that that precious time we parents have with our children is doubled, simply by sleeping side by side at night.

Check Out My Guest Post Over at Code Name: Mama!

Friends, I'm so excited to announce that my guest post, Approaching Children's Behavior with Compassion, is featured today on Code Name: Mama's wonderful blog! Code Name: Mama's blog is a great resource for information and support about natural parenting.  She also runs a monthly Natural Parenting blog carnival.. this month's topic (coming soon!) is Outdoor Fun.  Be sure to head over to her site to read my post and to check out all the other great things she has to offer!

Why Do You Get to Sleep With Your Partner, But Your Baby Has to Sleep Alone?

Time after time after time after time on Yahoo groups and discussion boards and at the playground and everywhere else young moms communicate, there is a familiar refrain: "My baby's not sleeping through the night.  What should I do?" The response, inevitably, is some kind of variation of "you're going to have to let her cry to teach her how to sleep."

As a mom to two children, trust me when I say I understand sleep deprivation.   My youngest child woke every two hours until she was 22 months old. 

What I don't understand is why parents torment their children by leaving them to cry alone in their cribs instead of taking that freaking child to their bed and sleeping together as a family.   Babies and children wake up, most often, because they want comfort and closeness with their mother.  Why do we deny them this?  How come all us mothers get to sleep comfy and cozy with our partners, yet we deny our babies the same pleasure?

The hypocricy, the doublestandardness of it all, angers me.


Truth is, I know why parents do it, because six years ago - in my early parenting days - I did it too.  I remember the desperate need for sleep.  I remember reaching out to a friend and asking what to do.  I remember her telling me to let my daughter cry.  I remember thinking that at six months, my daugher was old enough to handle it - that she "knew" I loved her.  I remember believing - because Tammy Hogg, "The Baby Whisperer," told me so - that if she didn't learn to sleep now, she never would.

Thing is, it's all just such crap.  Your child will sleep through the night, sooner or later.  Children learn to crawl and walk and talk and eat without any help from you.  The same thing applies to sleep.

Parents, make it easier on yourself and make a more loving choice for your child.  Bring the baby to your bed, cuddle up, and enjoy being together.

Handling Your Child's Behavior Problems With Compassion

It always comes as a surprise - especially to new parents - when a young child suddenly develops a will of his own.  The ease of the baby years pass, and suddenly, that complacent little cherub learns the word "no."  He refuses to eat what you want him to eat.  Refuses to put his shoes on.  Wants to wear underwear to the store and nothing else.  Screams when you put him in the car seat.  Whines all day long.  Throws tantrums in the grocery store.  Throws shoes at unwitting parents from the back seat to the front (yes, that was my child).  From the toddler years, on, we parents are presented with a vast array of behaviors that challenge, frustrate, anger us, and perhaps drive us to tears. 

Our immediate, innate reaction is to get control of the situation.  We adults always want to be in control.  When a child acts out, it scares us.  Our brains flash forward ten years, and we fear that if we don't get control now, the child will be wild as a teenager.  So we react.  We react with threats.   "Stop screaming now or I will put you on time out." "Stop throwing your shoes or I will take away your new toy."  Or, we react with bribes. "If you put on your shoes, you can have a cookie."  "For each night you stay in your room without getting out of bed, you'll get a sticker on your star chart."

While these tactics come easily to us, and do, indeed work to some extent in the moment that they're applied, they are not ideal.  Alfie Kohn, author of Unconditional Parenting and numerous other wonderful works, believes that when we use threats and bribes on our children, we are not providing them unconditional love.  Instead, we are teaching them that our love depends on their complacency with our demands.  When we bribe, we are telling them that they need to earn our love; when we threaten, we make them feel that our love can be taken away.   We certainly do not intend to convey these messages, but indeed, they are the messages that are communicated.

We need to challenge ourselves to parent from a gentler, more compassionate place. 

When confronted with a behavioral problem - which we typically only realize after we've been in react/control mode and our threats/bribes have failed us - we need to step back and ask ourselves one question: Why is my child doing this? 

The answer, generally speaking, is that the child has a need that is not being met.  Here are some of the major needs that might be underlying behavior problems.   When confronted with a problem, mentally scan through these and see which might apply:

1.   Overtired.  Did your child get up too early this morning, or go to bed too late last night? Miss a needed nap? Hasn't slept well for days?
2.   Low Blood Sugar - Has your child recently eaten healthy, non-sugary food, or has it been many many hours?
3.   Sick - Is your child sick, coming down with something, or teething?
4.   Diet - Has your child eaten artificial colors (e.g. F, D & C # whatever), MSG, high fructose corn syrup/refined sugars today? Every day?
5.  Is there a new stressor in your/your child's lives? Are you pregnant? Did you just have a baby? Are you and your partner going through relationship troubles? Is your child being bullied, or having trouble (e.g. grades) at school? If you're single, do you have a new partner?
6.  Could this just be the child's developmental stage? Is this simply a point in your child's development where behavior challenges are normal?

If you think reasons #1-4 might be the problem, cut your child a lot of slack.  Understand that his behavior stems from one of these causes, and let him release the energy for the moment (it's okay to let him scream! it's okay if he doesn't eat!).  Then, work to meet his needs.  If the child is tired, help him get more sleep in (sleep WITH your child if you need to).  If your child has low blood sugar from not eating in awhile, get him healthy protein and vitamin rich food STAT! If your child is sick, or teething, offer him the breast and/or soothing food, homeopathy (or Western meds if that's your thing), and lots and lots of hugs and holding and quiet time together on the couch.  If your child is eating food that's not good for him, change what your child is eating - ensure his diet only consists of healthy, organic fruits, vegetables, nuts, proteins, and whole grains, and lots of water.

If there is, or recently has been, some major change going on in your lives, you must keep this in mind: children are incredibly sensitive.  They DO know what's going on.  They feel stress just like us, and just like us, feel afraid and angry as a result of the stress.  Unlike us, however, children do not know how to gently communicate their feelings.  Children are great big balls of emotion and energy, and instead of talking or crying it out, they scream, they throw things, they hit, they are so lost in their emotion that they refuse to listen to us.  If your child is acting this way, instead of threatening, instead of bribing... allow her to express that energy.  And then make it your mission to let her know she is loved, cherished, adored.  Always.

How? Increase your physical contact with your child.  If she's light enough, wear her in a carrier (we carried our 2.5 -3 year old in an Ergo after her baby sister was born).  Let her sleep with you in your bed if you're not already.  Hug her all the time.  Sit with her on the couch with your arm around her.  Take her on special trips where you can spend quality time together.  Tell her how much she is loved, that she is safe, that there's no need to be afraid. 

If none of these whys seem to fit, then the behavior problems that you're witnessing could very well be part of a normal, developmental stage.  Remember that children, by nature, want to become independent from us.  They want to make their own choices, they want to have control over their own lives.  This starts in those early toddler years, and continues until they leave our homes as young adults.  In these instances, we need to stand back and appreciate our child's need to grow up.  Let them make choices for themselves even if it's only-underwear-all-the-time, even if it's eating yogurt all day.

Really, when you come down to it - children are like us.  They have one overreaching need: to be loved and understood.  Dear parents, whatever the behavior problem, keep in mind the whys, take action to meet the needs if you can, but mostly - just shower your little one with love. 

Important note:
I am not saying that we parents should not set limits on our childrens' behavior.  Children do need rules and limits, absolutely.  However, the point of this particular post is to get parents to recognize that many behavior problems stem from unmet needs, and that we can address those problems not by applying limits/repurcussions, but instead offering love and compassion.