It's Never Too Late to Attachment Parent - Our Story

Three and a half short years ago, I had never even heard of attachment parenting.   Up to that point, I mothered my child the way most women mother in America.   My baby slept in her crib in her carefully appointed nursery.  I carried her around in her car bucket seat, or pushed her in the matching stroller.   I breastfed her - but only part time.  By her six month birthday, I was tired of breastfeeding and excited to have her weaned.   When I became exhausted from her repeated night-wakings (since I had to trek from our bedroom to the kitchen to make formula to her room to feed her and then back to bed), I decided to "sleep train" her.  I remember telling myself that at six months, she was old enough to know she was loved.  I held fast to that conviction as I listened to her cry in the next room.

Although I did parent this way, I remember feeling really bonded to her in her infancy.  I remember dancing with her, feeling so much love for that little chunky babe.  But as soon as she became a toddler, that bond seemed to disappear.  She didn't want to be held.  She would never sit still.  She never gave us hugs.  When she could talk, she never said 'I love you.'  As she approached two, and I became pregnant with her sister, her behavior started to become very challenging.  It felt to me like all I did was manage her behavior.  I felt very little toward her but frustration.

A sad state of affairs indeed.

When my second daughter was born, something in me had shifted a little.  My baby had been born at home, in our bed - and it felt so delicious to have her in bed with me that she slept in our bed every night.  I also decided to take a crack at exclusive breastfeeding.   Seven weeks in, with cracked nipples and freaking out that I didn't have enough milk to feed my baby, I walked into my local La Leche League meeting (shout out to LLL Santa Clarita! I love you ladies!).  I can say, without a doubt, that that meeting changed my life.  I was surrounded by other family bed-sharing, breastfeeding mamas.  They were so incredibly warm, their children were so sweet - I felt embraced by them.  They taught me so much by their loving examples.

We began to try attachment parenting 2.5 year old Brianna.  We brought her to our bed.  All four of us slept on our little queen bed - me, the baby, and Reese at the top, and Brianna sleeping below the baby.  We bought a heavy duty baby carrier - an Ergo - and began carrying Brianna whenever we could.  She absolutely loved it.  She could be in a full-on tantrum, but if we put her in the sling, all was right with the world.  When she would act out, I began trying to understand WHY she was acting the way she was, instead of simply always reacting to her behavior.

When Elea - the baby - was about six months old, I attended a LLL conference, where Dr. Bill Sears was giving a presentation on attachment parenting.  He told us stories of how amazing the kids of attachment parented kids turned out - they were strong, passionate, independent, intelligent, sensitive and compassionate - all the things that I wanted for my children.  During the Q and A, I asked Dr. Sears whether it was too late since I had missed, with Brianna, those first 2.5 years of attachment bonding.  He said absolutely not.  A sigh of relief from me.

I will tell you this - within a year of Elea's birth and our official start of attachment parenting, Brianna became a different person.  She became a warm and loving child.  She hugged us and told us she loved us.  Her behavior mellowed with the love.  She became attached to us.  And for me - I re-claimed that deep and abiding love that I had felt for her as a baby. 

It is never too late to attachment parent.  You can share a family bed even if your kids are older (we still do and the kids are 6 and 3).  You can increase the amount of cuddling time you have with them - read, and watch tv, and rub their back - just be together close.  Parent them to sleep - laying there with them - sending them thoughts and prayers of love - until they fall asleep.  You can change the way that you deal with behavior issues.  Instead of being reactionary - stop first and evaluate why they might be acting the way they are.  Listen to your child.  Try to find a solution that is responsive, not punitive.

The very bottom line of attachment parenting is this: children thrive with physical, emotional and spiritual love - as much of as you can possibly muster, as often as you can possibly put forth.   If you haven't been doing it - today's a great day to start! One day, your child will thank you.