I was watching the television show Modern Family last night (although its recent Cry It Out episode set my teeth on edge). One of the scenes featured Gloria, the hot young Columbian wife of the family patriarch, giving a woman a makeover. The woman remarks at how gorgeous Gloria is, and Gloria says something to the effect of "Honey, it takes a lot of work to look like this." Which got me to thinking about how much consternation I have about wearing make up.
On the one hand - I really like it a lot. I like how mascara makes my improbably blond eyelashes actually visible, and how a little shadow makes my blue eyes pop. Last year, I had my makeup done by a Hollywood makeup artist for my anniversary, and good God, I just swooned with joy looking at myself :)
Aside from special occasions, though, I don't wear it. And here's why. I have two young girls. I want these beautiful souls to know that they are whole and beautiful, inside and out, no matter what. I tell them this frequently because I want it to stick. Problem is - what kind of message am I sending to them when they see me put on makeup? Were they to ask me why I put it on - the honest answer would be this: because I feel like I'm getting old and losing my looks and makeup makes me look a hell of a lot better. Bottom line - I'd be telling them that their Mom thinks she is not whole and beautiful inside and out. And I just can't be that hypocritical.
I can't expect them to love themselves wholly and yet model to them that I feel I'm not whole. That's just unacceptable to me. One of my truest goals as their parent is to get them through childhood and adolescence continuing to cradle themselves with respect and love. I lost my self-esteem in middle school - it took years to build it up - and as you can see, still have challenges in that area. I'm busting my ass to try to prevent it from happening to them.
I would love it if there were a way to wear makeup and not be a hypocrite. I know some women tell their children that it's fun - it's like playing dress up. But really - for how many people does that REALLY hold true? How many women think they're unbelievably gorgeous and wear makeup anyway? I would venture to guess that most women are like me - they wear makeup because they think it makes them look more attractive.
For now, when I do put on makeup, I do it like I'm doing something illegal. Stealthily. When they're otherwise occupied. Quickly - and behind closed doors. I just don't want to have to answer that question yet about why I'm putting on makeup - because I'm not willing to lie and say it's for "fun."
If I want to come out of the closet though and wear makeup openly in front of them, I've got some more inner work to do. Somehow, I've got to get to the place internally where I know I'm gorgeous (lines and all) and that I really do - honestly and truly - wear makeup for fun.
Ah, the self-examined life. Always keeping me busy :)
I think there can be some middle ground. The eye shadow thing. You like it cause it makes your eyes pop. Why do you wear it? Because you love your eyes. You think your eyes are exceptional and you sometimes want them to pop even more. Thats not a self-esteem thing. I think there is balance and middle ground to be found here.
ReplyDeleteI remember you from school. You were always self-centered and didn't understand the difference between leadership and acquiring & wielding power. I remember seeing you being cruel to those who couldn't further your goals and kind to those who could. Reading your blog, thanks to a mutual friend who referred me, I think you've come a long way. You've definitely got a ways to go, but it is nice to see that you've mellowed and are working on those issues, especially with your children. Congratulations to you
ReplyDeleteAmus, it sounds like I owe you an apology for my behavior toward you at some point in my life. I was not always kind to people, and I own that. I think unkindness stems from feeling a lack of love for oneself, and I definitely did lack that love. I am not sure that it was about acquiring power - but believing by becoming a leader, I would feel more loved. As far as me these days, we probably all have a long way to go, don't we? The person I am today is more evolved and kind than the person I was as a child. And the person I will be in another decade will far surpass who and where I am now. Anyway, if you would like to contact me personally at kchavener@att.net, I will offer to you a personalized apology.
ReplyDeleteUmmm....Katherine. Firstly, you are beautiful. Secondly, you are a Goddess. Third, I am sorry to see that someone is holding anger for so many years. Those words are poisonous, and beyond the apology you offered, do not accept them, as they are not you. Forgive others, forgive yourself.
ReplyDeleteYou do not have a long way to go. We are always 'going' (learning and growing) and we are always 'there'.
You are already perfect and beautiful and you need no psychotic mass hypnosis definition of beauty to prove it. There was a time when the girl, the maiden, the mother, and the crone were equally beautiful. Now we seem to have blinders on.
But I have taken my blinders off, and so should you. There is nowhere to go, you are already there, dancing in your own absolute beautiful, blissful, perfect presence. You should be honored to be in the presence of yourself. =-) I love you! You are a Goddess!
Love,
Andrea
We do lots of Goddess stories, some for me, some for Noelle