The moment you become pregnant - if not before - you must make choices that affect the child in your womb. You must choose whether to make changes to your eating habits. You must choose the health provider that will help bring your child into the world. You must choose whether you'll submit to the battery of tests and procedures that are commonplace in today's obstetrical world. You must choose whether you want an epidural or to go "natural." After your baby is born, you are faced with choices immediately. Are you going to breastfeed? Will the baby room in with you? Will you allow a Hepatitis B shot, eye ointment and Vitamin K in those first few hours of life? And then, later on - Will you circumcise your son? Will you share a family bed with your baby? Will you put your baby on a feeding schedule? Will you teach him to "self soothe" if he doesn't sleep well at night? And on and on it goes, every day of your life as a parent.
When reading - or leading - discussions with other women about the parenting choices they've made, I often hear moms say something to the effect of "You may not agree with my decision, but it's what worked for our family." Case in point - a comment from another blog in response to a pro-breastfeeding post:
"I will freely admit I was unwilling. I do not regret my decision that I made for my family and I do not feel that I am giving my son something inferior or that I am denying him anything that is so important that years down the road it will impact his entire life. My reasons for my decision made sense for my family. I understand why many choose to breastfeed, but for our family we choose formula."
Here is my issue with this kind of reasoning. These choices we are making, they're not about us. We should not be making choices that are easy - or better - for us adults. The days of making decisions about and for and by ourselves ended the moment we decided to become a parent. We must now make choices that are best for our child.
And how do we arrive at the decision that is best? By putting ourselves into the heart and mind of our child. We must ask ourselves this one, fundamental question:
If I were my baby, what would I want my parent to do?
The answer to this question will not be found in the intellect. The answer should not be based upon studies or research or carefully crafted adult reasoning. The answer can only be found when considering the question from your heart.
Let us take, for example, this scenario: My baby nurses every two hours, day and night. I'm exhausted. Should I put him on a feeding schedule?
The "what is best for us/our family" answer might very well be yes. If baby's on a feeding schedule, the reasoning goes, he'll sleep longer at night. And that is best for mom who can get more sleep and thus be able to function better as a parent.
Now look at the situation from your baby's perspective. If you were your baby, would you want to be put on a feeding schedule? To answer that question, you must imagine yourself as that little baby... you're unable to speak, you're unable to feed yourself. You are dependent upon someone else to take care of you. Your tummy is oh so tiny... and your tummy hurts because you are so hungry. You cry out to your mom to feed you. But instead you get bounced and jiggled, or a silicone and plastic orb gets plugged in your mouth. You cry with frustration, you cry because your hunger gets deeper and more painful. And yet, you are made to wait.
Coming from that heart-centered, empathetic place, your decision about scheduled feeding is going to be a hell of a lot different.
If you find it hard to make a decision imagining yourself as your child, then consider the decision in this way:
If I became an invalid - unable to talk or move -
what decision would I want my caretaker to make on my behalf?
Going back to the scheduled feeding decision... if you were this invalid, and your stomach was growling in pain and all you wanted was some warm soup to ease your hunger, would you want your caretaker to say, "Oh sorry, but you can't have any food for two more hours. Here, why don't you watch some television to take your mind off of it?"
If you, as an adult, would not like to experience what you're proposing to do to your child (here - making him wait to eat), then you must make a different decision.
Whenever you place yourself in the mind and heart of your child before making a decision on his or her behalf, you will be making the best and highest decision possible - because it is one made from compassion, love and empathy.
In an upcoming post...
Are you saying my baby's/young child's needs more important than my own?
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