Do You Think It's Okay to Spank?

A year or so ago, there was a thread on my local homeschool Yahoo group about spanking.  The thread started with news of a piece of state legislation that proposed to prohibit parents from spanking a child under three years of age.  Although many people, like me, supported the legislation, I was surprised at how many voices supported the right to spank.

Some moms said that there's no harm done with a slap on the butt here or there - it simply gets the kids' attention.  Other moms said that they were spanked as children, and they turned out okay.  Still other parents - typically Christian conservatives - spanked because the Bible urges parents "spare the rod, spoil the child."  No matter the justification, these parents felt strongly that they have the right to spank, that it is a personal choice, and that no one else should interfere with their right to do it. 

Both of my parents were abused when they were children.  By the grace of God, my parents survived their childhoods, and swore that when they became parents, they would never - ever - hit their children.  They made good on their promise - and broke the cycle of violence that had likely been going on for generations.   I can't imagine what it took for them to be able to break that cycle.  I was a high energy, obstinant, persistent child prone to tantrums, and I am sure that it took every last bit of inner strength they had not to take a good swat at my behind.  But they never hit me.  Even though they were raised by parents who hit.  Even though I pushed and pushed and tired them out for years and years - they never raised a hand against me.

If you are spanking your child, I ask you to think about my parents.  If they can stop themselves from hitting their children, so can you.  You too have the power to stop the cycle.  Now.

You see, spanking is not about your child.  It is about you.   It is about you not being able to control that blazing anger - that mad adrenaline coursing through your body - when your child has pushed you to the wall.  It's about you not being able to get between your brain - and your hand - fast enough to stop yourself.  It's about you not looking inside yourself to discover that it's you - not your child - that's out of control.  If your child is tantruming, if your child stole something, if your child has called you stupid for the umpteenth time after spitting on you, your child is being a child.  Children are loud and messy and have no self control and are one big flaming ball of emotions.  Their job as they grow is to learn to control them.  You, on the other hand, should already know how.  If you're spanking your kids, you don't.

I ask you to drop your defenses for just a moment, and look at yourself.  Do you like who you are when you spank? Are you happy, and compassionate, and loving when you spank? Or is your face wrinkled in anger, your voice deep and scary? If you looked at yourself in a mirror when you are spanking your child, would you be scared?

Your children deserve to feel loved by you every day, and in every way possible.  And though you may justify spanking as "an expression of your love," if you look deep within, you must know that this is not true.  I am sure that you absolutely love your children, even though you spank them.  But I tell you - when you spank - they do not feel loved.  They feel scared.  Humiliated.  Powerless.  Angry.  Definitely not loved.  If you have trouble understanding that concept, think of yourself as a child when you were spanked.  Did you feel loved? Think of yourself now.  If you were to be hit by a spouse who wanted to "correct your behavior," would you feel loved?

There are far better ways to communicate with a child whose behavior you find unacceptable.  These methods involve empathy... they involve you trying to understand "why" the child is acting the way s/he is, they involve engaging in meaningful communication with your child in language he or she can understand.  There is a great organization called "The Center for Non-Violent Communication" that teaches entire courses on peaceful, empathic non-violent parenting.  I encourage you to check them out.

Your children deserve the best you that you can provide, at every moment of the day.  The best YOU does not need to resort to hitting to get your message across.  You are better than that.  I know you are.  I ask you to rise up against your own conditioning, your own unexamined beliefs that justify spanking, and look within.  Ask your child how s/he feels when you spank them.  Do some research about the negative effects of spanking.*  Take some classes.  And on the front lines of day to day parenting - when your adrenaline starts coursing and your face is red and you're getting ready to hit - ask your spouse - even your child - to tell you to stop.  Do whatever it takes to get between your anger and your hand.

* In 1999, Dr. Elizabeth Thompson Gershoff of Arizona State University conducted a meta-analysis, pulling together the findings from 84 international studies on corporal punishment, involving nearly 40,000 subjects.  She found links between spanking and 10 negative behaviors or experiences, including aggression, antisocial behavior and mental health problems.   Findings were exceptionally robust that corporal punishment:

... decreases children's moral internalization
... increases aggression in childhood
... increases criminal and anti-social behavior in childhood
... undermines a positive relationship between parent and child
... impairs mental health in childhood
... increases the likelihood that children will be victims of physical abuse

More info at: http://www.wavetrust.org/index.htm?http://www.wavetrust.org/Preventing_Violence/Effects_of_Smacking.htm