Parent or Child - Whose Needs Trump Whose?

A few days ago, I wrote a post entitled "Making Choices for Your Child - It's Not About You."  In it, I conveyed my belief that we must put ourselves into the hearts and souls of our children when making decisions on their behalves.  By way of example, I discussed a parent that wants to put her child on a feeding schedule, in hopes that the child will sleep better at night.  From an intellectual adult point of view, feeding schedules might, in fact, help baby sleep better. But from a baby's perspective - which is where I believe decisions must come from - a feeding schedule is confusing, painful and hurtful.  A parent should not withhold food to gain sleep.

When parenting from this heart-centered, empathic place, the needs of our child will often conflict with our own.  In the above example, mom needs sleep so she can have patience to parent during the day.  Baby needs to be fed when he's hungry, even if this is many times a night.

The question is: Whose needs trumps whose?

I believe that, when push comes to shove, the needs of our children trump our own.  And the younger the child, the more this is true.  This is not a popular viewpoint, I know.  Our entire culture is focused on making our children conform to adult ways of living.  Babies are trained to sleep so that parents can sleep. Babies are formula fed because it is (allegedly) more convenient for the parent, and/or to accommodate parents' work schedules.  Children are forced to sit, unnaturally, for hours on end at school, and pushed farther academically than their brains are ready for - to meet adult expectations that the child become a "success."

Our primary goal as parents should be to meet the needs of our children - particularly in those first five formative years.  Why? Because as a parent, their way-shower and protector, it's the job you signed on for.  Because if we meet their needs for love, attachment, safety, and security, that utterly fulfilled feeling will be their bellweather for the rest of their lives.  They will know the true nature of love - they will internalize it at a deep, imprinted level.  They will feel that unconditional love you have for them and truly believe it about themselves. When the teen and early adulthood years dawn, they - unlike their peers - will not need to look to their partners, sex, drugs or alcohol to fulfill them.  They will already be fulfilled from the inside with your love.

We must push ourselves to meet this goal.  We must push through exhaustion.  We must push through frustration.  We must push through anger.  We must make ourselves better, stronger, more patient people. We must persevere through it all to meet our children's needs.

It is a high call.

While our childrens' needs do trump our own, that doesn't mean we should ignore our needs altogether.  We must take time for ourselves each week to do what we love - meditation, yoga, sports, movies, roller derby, writing.  Whatever it is - take a few hours when your children are asleep, or happily with your partner, family, or close friends, and do it.  If you are having one of those days when you are at your wits end and can not take another minute of parenting, of course you must immediately give yourself a time out, and turn their care over to a loved one. 

We must always find ways to meet our own needs that do not emotionally harm our children.   For example, if you are so far gone from sleep deprivation that you are losing your mind, consider solutions like: taking your baby to bed with you so you don't have to get up to feed; ensuring that your child is not in pain or hungry; getting a friend, relative or sitter to watch the baby for a few hours during the day so that you can sleep. 

For me - when I am exhausted, or angry, or frustrated from my life as a parent - one thing makes me persevere: keeping my eye on the prize.  I don't want my girls to look to other people or things for love.  I want them to be whole, self-assured, generous, happy women.   For this - I will give up years of sleep.  I will give up autonomy. I will give up independence.  I will do whatever it freaking takes.

I invite you to keep your eye on the prize too.  And dare yourself to parent with abandon.



Related posts:
Making Choices for Your Child - It's Not About You
Makeup, Hypocrisy, and My Childrens' Self-Esteem